INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – “Due to the Coronovirus outbreak, the Detroit Grand Prix has unfortunately been cancelled,” announced new series owner Roger Penske during a teleconference this morning, “But that does not mean Cleveland or Milwaukee are back in the running, so stop asking you stupid boomers.

Mr. Penske added that while Indycar TV ratings from the Milwaukee and Cleveland regions are two of the largest in the nation, nobody wants to go out in public in those dumps nor does anyone care about the history of the Milwaukee Mile.