DAYTONA BEACH, Florida- Wasting no time in his new position as President of the International Motor Sports Association, John Doonan told his staff about expectations and goals of his that includes everyone working under their desks to avoid his wrath now that he holds complete power over them and their livelihood. “From working with Scott Atherton over the years it was apparent he appreciated everyone equally and was compassionate toward his employees when he felt they needed a pick me up, but that stops now. Going forward everyone here will not only hate but fear me, and I have the upper hand by knowing they need me should they want a paycheck and not have to worry about feeding their kids,” said Doonan, who had already taken away the office water cooler and keeps his door open so he can see anyone come out from under their desks without permission. “At Mazda, I learned that treating employees like human beings gets you nowhere. I have already fired the existing HR team and replaced them with people completely loyal to only one person, and that is me. Should anyone get it in their head that they can no longer deal with the emotional abuse then they will be out on their ass eating out of the Red Lobster dumpster.”

Doonan added that he would have no issues getting a couple pit bulls he would beat and starve then threaten to unleash in the office should anyone get out of line.