ROME, Italy- Dismissing thousands of years of established doctrine, Pope Francis has thrown in the towel and conceded that God does not exist after watching Pippa Mann qualify for the Indy 500. The exasperated spiritual leader of billions worldwide took to St. Peter’s Square to address followers, “For my entire life I have believed in Him guiding us and leading us to eternal life, but today Pippa Mann qualified for the Indy 500 ahead of drivers like Fernando Alonso so screw it. God does not exist.” Over the cries of thousands from the assembled crowd, Francis continued, “You want to know what real hell is? Watching the race this weekend and wondering how many places Alonso could make up while watching Pippa finish 31st. What the F man?”
Francis went on to say he is looking forward to watching the race without having to ask forgiveness for breaking the second commandment.