LOS ANGELES, California – Researchers from the University of California Los Angeles have completed a study that links children who are named after car brands become five times more likely to become a stripper at some point during their lifetime.  “It was a very in-depth study,” said lead researcher Thomas VanDriesden, “I’m totally not a pervert, but wanted to see patterns on how people chose to become strippers and adult entertainers.  What we found is that their birth-given name is a likely cause.  We found that if a baby girl is named Mercedes, Porsche, or any homophones of those two, they were five times more likely to become stripper over baby girls named Sarah, Rebecca, or other more traditional names.”

VanDriesden, who was adamant about not being a pervert, also said the study is was also able to find that baby boys named Harley were three times more likely to file for bankruptcy from buying too many scratch-offs lottery tickets.