ATLANTA, Georgia – Worried about public backlash and declining sales, Porsche has decided to make standard an option to all vehicles that gives customers the choice of not being an insufferable douchebag. On a conference call with investors the President of Porsche North American Development and Sales wanted to assure investors the car maker has the best interests of the public in mind. “Porsche has a special bond with our clients and wants to foster that relationship for years to come. That is why we are instituting this technology as standard. Our clients will now have the freedom to not buy a 911 Turbo Cabriolet just so everyone can see their $700 Porsche Design sunglasses and Lacoste polo,” said the Porsche executive, who mentioned there is nothing wrong with purchasing the Cabriolet version. “Should anyone now want to purchase a Cayman and just enjoy the car for what it is and not go to PCA picnics they will be able to do so without being judged.”
One investor was skeptical of this direction and was most concerned with how it would affect sales of vintage Steve McQueen jackets.