ABU DHABI, UAE – Formula 1 Paddocks are a haven for the elite and wealthy. Recently Liberty Media has had a hard time keeping out the proletariat, leading to awkward encounters between its jet-setting clientele and “the poors”. Always looking for innovation, reports have surfaced that F1 is considering hiring the North Sentinelese as paddock security. “With a 100% success rate at keeping out foreign invaders to their lands, the North Sentinelese are an elite force that I think we could use to defend our movers and shakers,” remarked F1’s new CEO.

F1 is set to send an exploratory committee to the island to hire the tribe with David Coulthard set to lead. “Well we figured David’s chin could probably stop and arrow so that was a good start,” said the FIA President.